an other me

I've been here so many times
and every time I leave I always end up back
Maybe I never left at all
I've been here so long
and every time I think I'll always be here
I don't seem to be that wrong at all

I see me and I hate me
I'm pathetically phasing between
blind deaf dumb and lame and shame
and it's always the same

Who's this monster I became
with internal eyes and flaky skin
filthy mind and dripping sin
I'm sorry but it's all about me
about the light I had that went off in fleet
that I can't seem to find
and can't seem to keep confined or reap
Rather I'm dimmed and deep shadowed
and brightness be lost by a scum and brood dross
manifested by a slum I built with reflecting gloss and square plans
and by my own bare hands


In the time
in which has been
I was but dead
in missing meter

In a time
yet to begin
I'm of the living
I am the leader

I see the future
I see the past
I see me now
and I am neither

In midst of time
in ticking fast
there's death and life
and I'm both
either has

another other me

in one rise, with one pull
death travels on through without rule
slow motion in a straight line through the air
from hands that are regretfully mine

in one small instant - in one quick explosion
ive met instant regret - my grinding insides gritty erosion

there is nothing in being that is worse or more painful
than feeling and seeing yourself bring pain on a loved one

collapse on my knees and look up to the sun
my eyes ignite in a salty fire

what have i done?
why have i done?
look what ive undone - someone's life who had just begun
that sick, twisted hatred that came from some
place very unsacred and strange, i do not know
some place that i wish never again to go
that hatred has changed masks - put on a new face
its eyes turn into MINE - my hate for others is replaced

i see it when it glares back in a reflection
i see such in perfection - this unwanted connection

i hate. the deepest hate.
its so real, and for myself
it rests in MY eyes whenever i see ME.
i hate ME. for this.

Here's to my perishing, pray for my end
no one should cherish me - not even ME

i hate ME for this

another me

my control is falling from my grasp - my rage risen - is ready to snap
hate oozes out my ember-ed vision

(Here)

i thought i'd always be able to hide this from those near to me
but they are those closely touched and burned by such my entity

(Among)

hate slides down my cheeks and beneath, over my lips, in between my clenched teeth

(The)

i dont want this - i dont want whats to come of this
though, there is nothing in the way of my kiss with a deathful breath

(Ego)

hate drips slowly in strands - flowing and flooding over my shaking hands
it rises in me - it stands - a tidal wave in a stormy rage
it demands release from its holding cage

Best Friend

There's no one else i'd rather be with right now than you. You just left from here and i promised it'll all work out and you wonder how? Its hard to follow a soft goodbye with a saddened brow and keep your ache from breaking into a storm downpour shake. One mistake you can hardly remember so suddenly renders everything you had going for you along with others too. No one's backing you up for the ones involved took the liberty to solve the problem in a way that isn't true, and they did it for you...gee thanks.

We both know you'd never even think to do it again but no one else believes us. And even if they do theres not much they'll do for you. Most wont even bring up a fuss or a care for you. But right when it hits you that the world left you with yourself behind, I'll reach out and grab your hand and you'll know at least im here by your side.

You screwed up, tough luck. Yeah it sucks but you have to suck it up. Push on through. I'll pray long and hard for you. Take what you have left and turn it into the best, and I'll be there to help you. People make mistakes and things begin to change. You've made a decision and nothing will ever be the same.

As hard as im throwing this at you out there, its as close to the truth and its only because I care. I swear through the nights I'll say a little prayer with you in the spotlight, that God will bring the center back to all better cause i know he will.

Lay out your trust on me and I'll do whatever you need, and lay it before God because its apart of his will.

Yeah you fell but dont ever forget that through the hell I'll be there to walk with you -

step by step - hand in hand

I'll talk you through because no matter what you do, you're my best friend

and i love you


[for B.G.C.]

a Rising

These ignited bones ring in tones of
reflection affection screaming from home

Bursting flames engulf my name,
im no longer this worlds man,
never the same - fly this phoenix
word imprinted - "Can"

What will I follow in faith without fame,
familiar content pain, seeming insanity,
erase my name
Destroy my vanity, set me free and
lack calamity
Set me not the same, let me be,
new in your name

Sickness

My sickness resembles nothing of a bug

a snake rather, my emotions in constant tug

the sickness seeps through my skin and out my

pores

bleeds in my mind, out my eyes, and floods to the floor

Now its impossible to hide, holding my hand next to

my side

Impossible to hide behind a smile, its spread effects

to others, painfully, for awhile

Seven years in the darkness, with time, its grown strong

Seven years has left behind a trail of dead and wrong

up and down, back and forth

Flipped around it takes its course

A sickened sinful mind's health needs only powerful

divine force

Someday ill be washed clean of such thick remorse

And have that someone special to experience a divine

intercourse

To change or not to be changing is decision to grasp your

someone amazing

Let the sickness grow, and you let that person go

then you'll never know, your potential beauty you'd

have to show

Help me
change me
heal me
save me
Open my eyes, help me see
bring me back to life
Create in me to be who you want me to be
please...

Darkhouse

A roaring in my ear reminds me of my fear
of being lost without a course
the wind is my force that drives my vessel
my mind is losing its mental wrestle
the time for cruising has long drifted past
the wet mast is breaking down
we cannot reach ground too soon
Poseidon is whistling his stormy tune
the moon is raising waves and crashing
- them in giant surges of ocean
hopeless emotion floods my core
leaving my hopeless body soaked and sore
Escaping air from my salty lungs
My ship is sea-stripped bare and stung
- with sideways rain
Drowning in pain I call our your name
one last scream before i lose the ropes
Washed away hopes...im letting go
Im drinking in my fate and rethinking the past
How fast its gone by
Im starting to sink under the burning in my
- eye and wonder how deep before my dark
- ocean drowns out my life
I've found that my tears mix with the sea
and fix my fears, calm direction
A broken connection between my mind and the world
I'm being taken under in a smooth swirl
The water's rising - the soul within me dying
I'll sink into a hole as my ships dead anchor -
A cold, lifeless steel.
Dark water becoming real, im loosing all touch and feel to the sky.
Numbing chill fills my eyes. My sight being
engulfed with blackness
The time has come for all time to be lost.
For so much lost time, time is the cost.
Arms stretched out, im finally going down...down...down
the roar is quiet now.

FAITH baby, Faith

Am I Me? or have I spent My intellectual youth giving My brain the thoughts that "I am Me"? "yeah yeah Im original Im unique of course Im Me" "Yeah yeah I do what I want and I do what i feel cause Me is the free living, independent, and real" Im Me right, or am I just what I want to be? and if Ive slowly metamorphasized what I am from one thing to the other is ME now the present AM? in which I would in fact be me. Even though the worlds me's often change naturally with all that they're surrounded by, there's got to be the core-structure-basis, genesis, beginning, will-always-be-apart-of-Me something thats always been and will always be there (Me). And thats the fuss - is that inside Me showing on the outside, or inside/out or whatever proves what is what I am? Is it apart of me or locked away without a key? And who chooses and what decides what is what I am - People say "wow that was so you just then," Does that mean Me is a reoccurring finger-print-ID-trait. But what if the common product of what is supposedly my personality is not Me at all, And if not what is Me - the real Me - and how do I find it - if I want to find it. If I want to find IT If its real and something else. Maybe what I believe I am is Me or should be considered Me - maybe we can choose the Am.
No no way God put My design on paper and he decided. So but can I change/manipulate what was original? or is what Im "choosing" to be - Me choosing at all - or just surroundings - which in fact come from Him - the case in which Im not choosing - but how can He choose for someone to be atheist - no way they choose that - free will. But how can free will He created really be free if He created it with omni-knowledge - knowing people would choose against Him right when he made 'em - so if He knows then is it even a free will or some other term. How is it solely free will if He basically created them to turn away into darkness?
AH! theres always a breaking point when thoughts run this deep to a point where human comprehension is un-compacitatable to the next level and answers sitting on that level. And when your mind drives straight into this block of confusion and mental-thinking-pain and uncomfortability black space of lack of knowledge - you stop drop and roll be cause the fires to hard to handle.

FAITH

baby, faith

Oh do question, World, but you will be answered the same at that level of abyss every time - "Trust in Me" He says, and when you do and drop the planets from your minds hand of gravity and universe-at-rest and WONDER - you can use your free hand to grab onto that soothing peace of future awaiting thoughts sitting in His palm. "You will answer and I will be patient."

Until then Bro - keep it real and ill be ready. Im sorry infini-fold but you have infini-care. I cannot wait - but I will for your will...and all this, for this

I THANK YOU

Touch the Light in Troubled Lives

Sense the wind through the leaved towers. The day flower has long gone.
Rise to the flutters of different shades of green.
Be raised to the heights and :touch: the lights in troubled lives.

Do not :smell: the material world roses, only disgust
do not :hear: the neighbors laughter, only silent cries
do not :taste: the snack packs and popcorn, only the moldy bread
do not :see: the stellar sky, only the lights of troubled lives...

:Breathe: in the blessing roof top and gorgeous surrounding nature and loved ones or likewise, do not :smile: only :sigh:
:Feel: nourished with thanks - these do not come by often for them.

A stranger walks by the passing car and :sighs:
knows he walks down the alley cat narrow to his broken home. his daughter :tears: apart with tears, appeared from a mind lacking the nature and love from both and to both of.
The car, the house, the roof blessing - soon disappeared.

:Sigh: for a world not perfect but do not be hopeless
this blue sea of fire is touched through those who feel the love.

big_daddy cares and fills the empty beating...be :touch:ed and :feel:

A Vessel's Left Way

I'm in this boat

alone

too far in the wrong direction have i rown
I wish the salty ocean
would fill my empty eyes
because the lack of life around me has left me
powerless to cry

Eagle Cliff Mountain

Darkened morning, rain cease pouring, Eagle's soaring
early chilling air
the tower seems bare and peaceful asking for our ascension into its steep hands
My mind is playing tricks with my eyes in a lack of light from the sky
Your familiar silhouette whom i've outlined before
brings back much thats past been sore

but i am risen and rising
healed and climbing - falling and sliding but never not striving
i was cold and you warmed me - was frozen and broken
but now you've made me revealed to what i can become to be

you height of earth and rock - where the path gets you lost
where swooning shadows are sought - screamed at and fought
for something that makes some sign of sense caught
please answer my thoughts

but only the wind talks now - only the dancing of the trees has any sound
submerging the ring of my heart-beat's pound
the ground is sleeping in
this sideways climb - this impossible incline
you leave me with no other choice than to lean back and give in
give me away to the wind and let me drift away or down cause i can no longer
stay my ground

but a string - some string - an ever so strong string
tugging at my heart and playing my song - pulling me along
ascending me to the top - to the peak
just when i knew to stop and when i thought so week
there she was soaring - this was madam Eagle's glorious morning

My feet finally resting at the highest point - my joints soaking in the clouds
my eyes gawking down over her captivating cliff - vertigo and awe - shift my bones stiff

fear and failure - crime and capture
open up my soul and touch in me, the deepest pain
just one touch to engulf me - soak my being deep in rapture and set me
free

the explosion in the sky is on its way in
shaking the ground and rotten foundation
and then...

Dawn breaks his grin

OPENED UP HEAVENS - SHATTERING CLOUDS OUT LOUD
DARTING RAYS SHOOT THROUGH MY GUTS AND BREAK THEM DOWN
Me AND THE Sun LOCK EYES AND START LAUGHING
ALOUD
ORANGE PINK AND GOLD
my mind is sold and heart unfold
purest beauty resting here on my face - theres no more need for time or place
what else matters
im deaf to our immature scatter and constant purposeless chatter
mine eyes have never stepped out upon a bridge of light that beams right here in front of me
despite my darkness
and deepest buried skeletons breaking my skin and torching my bones
rottening me alone

now i have a sunrise love to call my own
now you are here - i see it - i see you
coming at me from the sun and now i see that
You are The One and You knew
all along

I hear the mountains singing - the trees harmonizing - and the wind swinging
the sky is calling me - you lift me up on the wings of Eagle and we drift above her
cliff
She is soaring and screeching
forever
i open my heart and my arms and embrace true love - flying - living in meaning

You Are
and nothing else matters

Penny Autumn [Proverbs]

Do you fret at the heights held by the sky?
Do you lose your breath at the wind that lifts your sail up so high?
Are you afraid of a wing so that you can fly?

You SHOULD-

...'cause when you go up too far too fast
is when you'll lose your lift and crack your mast
and be cast straight back down in a deafening, falling sound
and scream and crash and fight and weep and cry
and die
flee this flight - cut your kite
leave that life -or- desire to die
and die
and
die




[14:12]

Tyke Wretch Spyke Stretch

im a hurting little child
theres pain glossed over my smile
do you take me for the happyful kid you looked up to? the boy I used to be?
i am not this any more and i do not seem to be
down to my core
i wish i could say im rolling in the stars and letting my mind drift far off into a forest of bliss and running a midst souls that set fire to my own
but this is where ive been lost from and where i miss - i miss my second home

i throw my clock at the sun and find it back inside my pocket
i want to lose the tick in my brain before the cane takes a hold and my life is sold away through a narrow time socket
ill throw a rock under my feet to sit upon until the rock slides away, again, over the cliff

im swaying on a swing set on the edge of this rift in time, place and space
im running in place with my shoes tied together - watching my shadow and my soul sever and crusade against the other
Darkness wraps its fingers around the eyes of Essence and pulls us all over the edge

i dont know if i can fly anymore
my wings are wasted at war and even the wind is sore
ive shut the door to never never land
now a land to where i might never never stand upon its beaches' sand

to where have i gone...how long will i be at that place...
when will i return...and will i have the same face...
i...
dont...
know...

from the sky where my little knuckles soar - i got my baby blue eyes...
that arent so blue anymore

the hue drowns along side my soul
both taking their toll on a stroll around
a hurting little child
who's fighting to keep his smile

Lost ]Found[

Then I opened up my eyes and saw you standing here
with me - in front of me
looking deep into my eyes and all that resides and hides behind them
You had been staring into my eyes
through my eye lids like they weren't even there - a piercing stare straight there
which means...
Through drowning in a salty ocean - you were holding my head above the waves
Through going deaf from piercing fear - You were screaming my name
Through giving up a search for some sort of quench - Your hands held out a drink generously
Through falling backwards without catch - Your hands kept me up so tenderly
and I couldn't even see it
When my soul didn't fit - You changed the shape it was in
When the things I built up crashed down again - You broke me down to make me sound, again
As my weeping and screaming tore apart all that I knew - You put me back together and made me new
and I couldn't even see it
When I almost ended but still got out
- that was You
When I was drowning and couldn't quite get back up, and a hand saved me and pulled me out
- that was You
When the mud and fire consumed me
entirely
someone, something
wiped me down
and made me clean
so I could see
- that was You
wasn't it
through it all - the whole time
You were there - for Me
I was blind but now...
I SEE

Lost [Bound]

When I stood eye-high in mud and fire,
when I was drowning - where were you?
When all I wanted was to ignite my desire
to reach out for another breath in your hands,
where were you?
When I barely made it out alive, singed and standing, demanding an explanation for my fallen expectation that you would be there,
where were you? Where were you to be found?
When weeping and screaming ripped apart my soul without a sound?
When every tower I finally built up again
came swiftly back down?
When my round world was being shoved into a box hole,
by me,
trying to create a shape out of my soul that was not the right fit?
And so it was written that you would never leave or forsake me so
WHERE ARE YOU?
Were you enjoying a frozen, golden throne at the highest mount
while I was sitting, and you broke my chair down?
Were you sipping on an ice cold water from the most satisfying spring
while I was searching the end of my world for just one taste, of just one drink?
Were you singing your favorite song for your own ears
while my own were full of tears from silence, manifested by my own fear?
Were you looking away from my blue eyes filled with a salty ocean,
searching for something...anything.
At my last hope and my final wonder of, "Where are you?"
... I gave up and let go

SunSak

I found a fire from far away
ignited my skin in its heat and put it inside for it to stay
I fueled the fire inside my chest
threw wood and stubble in it so it would grow higher and never rest
I fetched the fire and brought it back home
torched those around me and showed them its glory to let the fire roam

but then

I forgot the fire and drowned out the flare
I let it start to die out and lose its glow before me and lost the fire that I was meant to share
I froze the fire and left it outside
let it sit in the cold wind crying out to me to let it back inside
I failed the fire and its left my soul
I extinguished my source of warmth and sit alone shivering in the cold

but now

I'll fix the fire and build it back up
re-unite it within to re-ignite my skin so I can refill my empty cup, again
I'll free the fire and let it go with sternness
the fire in me will burn all those who are lost and cold and I'll light up the world in a radical, fiery, furnace

Yes - I found a fire from far away
but this fire will never again die down
this fire is here to stay

the Light on Stormy Mountain

I've been slacking - lacking time with you. Sad but true. It's not that I don't love you or like you - I'm just not good at being a good friend like you do. Every time I fail you, which happens all the time, you forgive my crime against you, and pick me back up to climb to where you are. But even when I climb so far, you're still so much further. And on the way up, the weather is not often better than the storm on the sea where you rescued me.Water stampedes down the rocks where I'm grasping to hold on and what I need to see is blurred by the rain that falls upon my already weeping eyes.

As the raindrops and clouds grow massively in size and I'm looking into the soul of a stormy goliath - ready to throw me off a cliff into a pitch black valley, my mind sets itself on finale and the end of me. But my heart knows that you can rescue me. Through who else can truly save a wretch like me who is lost and blind - someone who hides himself and for everyone else, is hard to find.

Too often I'm in the place, this position, on this wet rock being drenched in the sky's fountain and letting hope and faith run off my clothes, over my head, and off my fingers and toes. Even after all you've said to me about trusting you and letting go - I wont let go of the side of this mountain. It's what I climb to get to you at the top. But every time, again you whisper,

"Stop - Let go - Drop into my hands - I will catch you slowly and gently - Just let me."

The storm is raging but now silent to my ears. My eyes widen, filling up like pools when a vision of me falling appears before me - like I'm dreaming. Fear escapes my freaking-out body and my frightened muscles un-tighten. My hands - my fingers, who've held on far too long - to whom Him belong - in slow motion loosen and release my growing emotion. My knuckles, turned pale, wrongfully availed, bloody and frail, get rushed with their true color again - all ten soldiers can breath and fight the good fight like they used to back when this stormy rock was but a hill in the flat skyline. Now me and the rain fall as one. One by one each drop is frozen in line with me while the mountain and storm fall up, up and away freely - crashing into a sea in the sky.

A golden hand of light busts through the monster storm and chases after me. Such a sight to see - a caring hand reaching out, to me...but why? I'm the duplicate to darkness - a disgusting filth of **** and piss with an abyss for a heart - you do not want any part of this. I'm no one to lay upon a kiss.

"On the contrary. You're a work of art, and it's you I miss. You're beautiful and full of love and no one like you exists. Here is my promise."

The hand of light blinded me with its words but I did not look away, for my eyes could see all around me like the bright of day. And softly, gently I was caught from my fall and cradled in a light bouquet, in hands that made my eyes glow - in hands that I knew would never let me go.

Rampart

Forgive me Father - Friend - for I have failed you again. Release me of this wicked hold that's shackled my weary hands. Forget how far away I've ran and let me know all parts of your perfect plan. I want to want what you want. I want to know your son. I want to stop where I'm going and have you point in the direction I'm supposed to run.

But when I look your direction, there's a blurry glass wall in the way - keeping me from seeing you and hearing all you have to say. So I turn away and the wall is now thicker and higher. But please believe me, it's truly only you who I so longingly desire! When I bang on the glass, it hardly even cracks. No matter what I choose to use to break it, it only seems to fight back.

Now the glass has gone black - surrounding me, ready to pounce and attack. There's nothing I can do - I just want it out of the way of me and you...YOU! You have to do it! You're the only one who can break through it! Oh God! Please take your mighty fists and tear down this giant glass wall! Before it cuts deep a hole underneath me and causes me to fall.

But wait...there's another layer on the glass - something in the way of you breaking down the wall, like you could do so fast. There's something stopping you - something in place of where your striking blow will land...Oh my God! I see what's in the way - what's holding on the wall, it's my own pale hands! I don't understand...it's been me in your way every time you tried to break the wall apart? I'm sitting here wondering why you won't finish it off, but it's because you can't even start. I'm the one who has lost all control over my own heart.

Oh Father - forgive me! Do not hold it against me! I didn't even realize! I couldn't even see my own freaking hand covering my own eyes - telling me lies - leading me off unto my own demise. I built this wall between us - this sharp glass tower. And it's grown so huge that I can't even take it down anymore with my own power. Oh Father, this is the hour - the time to rain down all your might in a heavenly shower, over the wall between us and over me.

Jesus...you are all that I truly need.

Move my hand away and move in me. Shatter the filthy wall into a thousand pieces in the street for all who knew the wall to see and give you praise and glory.

Champagne

i don't know what to say...

i'm in so much pain and dying to get away. Please take me from here, now! But i know you won't and that that's not how it goes.

i'm crying. all of me is weeping. From my hair to my toes and my skin to my bones. And i don't freaking know how to let it out or let it go. Show me - open me up and un-shut my eyes. Unlock the flood-gate-windows that show who i really am and let them cry and drown me from the inside down me.

Keep knocking me to the ground and throwing me on the sky - keep destroying my legs and making me learn to fly. i dont care how bad it hurts or all the wounds that have to heal first - i will conquer my curse and
arise, Phoenix, and burst forth to be ripped apart by light beams that each have a soft name and keep me, ME - sewing my seams into each other, one after another.

But when will it be over? i can only walk through so much fire that melts my skin with laughter and crushes my soul down to its wire. i'm worn, i’m torn, i'm weary, i'm tired, and still i'm on fire.

Why did you bless me with an ore heart that beats itself sore. A heart that's beat is so thick. A heart that's stained red with LOVE but still black and sick. A heart with its own sweet sound that pounds and pounds on my chest, resounding with echoes of itself bounding up and down-ding around-ding, searching and finding all the wrong hearts that it's beating for.
but it beats for one and for one more. It beats for all others, of course, but besides your heart, there is one it beats most for. This ONE, it beats toward and beats from its bloody, red, beating core 'til its beaten silly and sore, dying to meet the heart that beats for it in the same way if not more - the one (besides yours which you created to beat harder, the hardest for) that it was started to adore


But that's the curse. My heart beats TOO hard and it's not easy to beat it back into my gaping chest. It's beats are getting out of rhythm and have been getting worse. i don't have the tempo that i once possessed - the one that goes hand-in-hand, note-by-note with the love and commands that pour from your throat. i've lost the remote to turn it off and slow it down. And now its going crazy and going to town - painting all around with buckets of red wash - at first having a ball but then causing everyone around to drown and gasp to the ground in a red-soaked, wicked mosh of death and pain - all in vain.

But then i catch my brain and see the souls before me that i've all slain. But it wasn't even my heart beating insane. It was the beast of green that came to reign. It drained my drum and made it dumb to pain of my own soul and to the others on the train it was conducting South on a path straight to Hell for death and shame.

This monster i become, i can't contain. It contains me in chains under a sea of champagne - where i can't breath or dream or remain. And drowning there with me is the people i've slain and dragged to the Depths of the Mundane. There, remains a soaked, sunken airplane who used to fly and live in the sky. Now he slowly drowns and dies under a sea of champagne to where is now his abyss-dungeon-domain.

Water soaks the walls of the vein and salt burns the nerves of the bloody lane.

As i stroll through the still air of the wet town, drenched in the death of the slain-body-crowd, with a cane walking past soul after soul, bounded by cold chain, it's not red paint that is painting the stain, but a brush filled with red champagne that used to live and thrive and pump and beat and dive into life, with none to lose and tons to gain.
__________

i am this lane
with puddles of wine - unable to sustain life.
i am this street
that has no end - walking beside no friend.
i am this plane
fallen from the sky - ready to sink and die.
i am this beat
cursed inside my chest - laying naked and undressed

with champagnes in my veins
__________

take my heart as i lay dying
rip it from my center - sew it back together
for i've stopped trying
move and remove all in the way - and enter my soul that is crying
hold me tenderly - wash me with rain
and send me flying

He Messaged Me

"Sammy I dont want you to ever feel like you're alone.
You needed to know that. Because i know that's all you feel anymore.
Seriously. I know its not just the 'oh I'm with you spiritually' loneliness. Its an all out physical and mental loneliness. When you might come off as a melodramatic baby or express all the little feelings the world says is not important - forget stereotypes, your seriously not alone.
And i want you to know, your future wife is going to be something so amazing. Please dont throw anything away about you.
I know sometimes you want someone to hug you because love, for you, just is never tangible when you feel alone. And even when sitting next to someone you can feel alone, i get that. But you're not alone - dont push this feeling aside like its unimportant. I'm only speaking from the heart right now.
Sammy, i really miss you."

- God

 [5 September 2009]

Show me the Other Side of Your Face

You're this huge, buff dude with a deep voice and giant eyes and when You speak or look at me it beats me down to cry.
You've got these massive hands more magnificent than any other man's and a body so overwhelming it leaves me unable to even hardly stand.
And when You hold me, i tremble like fear from a storm,
and when You hug me, i shiver even though You're absolutely warm.
You talk to me and its an eruption from a volcano
and You sing to me like stomping on the keys of a piano.
You're so mighty and big and powerful that You can take a hold of my world and shake it,
but You're so huge and awesome that i feel as if i can hardly even take it.

In my fear i run to hide in a tree,
but no matter where i am whimpering
You're so great that You always find me.

i'm afraid of Your ability and fear you 'cause You're so crazy and wild,
and yes i'm praising for You're unbelievably amazing,
but all i really want is to see from you
a soft gentle smile.

i've seen You blow up a mountain
and i've seen Your explosions in the sky.
i know what it feels like to get soaked to the bone from the sky's fountain,
and i've seen the way You make stars fly.
i've heard the thunder's and booms,
i've watched a hurricane as it blooms.
i remember the smell of the wind as it roared passed the top of the volcano,
and i recall the memories as i touched the rush of a dancing tornado.

But what i'm lacking and what i've missed,
what i truly desire, at the top of my list,
what my heart aches for deeply is
the kiss of quietness - the peace of silence
the repose of stillness - a whisper to fulfill this
to fulfill me, completely.

Your eyes are so strong and open and striking -
look at me warmly so my adrenaline isn't spiking.
Your hands are so deep that i'm swallowed in your palm -
hold me gently so that my heart can lay calm.
Your arms are so long, i fall in too deep -
hug me like a teddy bear so i can fall deep asleep.
Your words are so loud and they're always the same -
talk to me softly and let me hear you say my name.

i know that magnificence flows in Your bones
by the mighty wonders to me You've shown.
And i know that You've loved me for quite a long while
but tell me, just that You like me
through a soft gentle smile.

Red

What if you had a son.
The most beautiful little boy whom shown like joy.
And he was the one you loved more than all the world
More than all the little boys and girls.
Your son makes you laugh
and makes you cry tears of absolute joy that make your face shine.

What if you had a child who was meant for more.
Who was the one and only door and the only way to the world.
The brush to paint light across its darkness surface
and turn broken hearts into smiles of light and smiles of childs

What if this was your son - your child
your baby's smile
Would you let him go.
Could you let him go walk a mile with a tree on his back
All the while getting attacked by words and water from the mouths of the ignorant.
All the while silent and acceptant
Coming from a red place where his brothers and sisters tattled and taled
and sent him to be nailed
and let a cat with nine tails kiss his naked skin before his pass to a place of skulls
where the air is sin, and the demons grin
Where he climbs up the tree
and the sin is free to ride the wind and stomp on his bones
sitting cold, broken, and
alone
to atone for souls stolen from home

Could you watch him naked in the tree trying to breathe.
See him in such a degree of pain with a vivid flowing crimson stain
or would you have to turn away in shame as to not watch scarlet sap ooze down the bark of the tree that he's climbed up on for you and me.

Could you see his limbs go limp and his neck swing down
with his head still clutched by a sharp rose crown
and stuck on the branches of the apple tree
and now silent without sound

Could you watch your beloved son die and there's nothing you can do about it.
Even if you knew that you had to let him go walk a lonely mile down the road
without even having his hand just to hold.

And would you get why this has to happen.
And would you understand and see
through the holes in his hands and feet.

This son was painted red up on the tree so you and me can be set free.

Releaden

There was a night
when I realized
that my ears were shut
just like my eyes

There was a day
when I saw grace
fall from the sky
like rain on my face

I'm so lost
I can't find my way
and for some reason
I keep my eyes shut and keep my ears turned away
despite this clear night and this day of grace

Taste of Tone

Someone open up a window
Let the reign in
Let the fire, reign on our heads
Every part of my heart
Let the reign stain it

Someone turn on the light
Let it reign down
Let the flame make our faces incandescent
In every place
Lighting up each town

Someone unlock the door
and swing it wide
The fire is dying to come inside
and reign power from the ceiling to the floor

We're finished being lost and being weak
We're done not having the right words to speak

It's time to open up our eyes - get up and rise
to the light turned on
the fire is here to completely baptize our lives
upon this blazing dawn
-
You are the third one
descendant like a bird on the son

You are the new fire in our lungs
like a choir of tongues

You are the sound from the sky
like a roaring windstorm in the night

You are my Ghost - I am your host
You are over and within
You are where to begin
You are a gift in His name
You are my burning, reigning Flame

I See You

I see You!
You couldn't hide if You tried
It blows my mind that some can't see You but they're obviously blind
because You're everywhere! I see You in
EVERYTHING
-
I see You in the sunset and sunrise
I see You in Your creative beauty painted on the sky

I see You at night when the stars and fireflies dance together
I see You when the wind and water dance to make weather

I see You when it rains and thunders and storms
I see You when the clouds perform

I see You in a garden and in the street
I see You when I sit down to rest my feet

I see You in hands and eyes and lips
I see You in an eclipse

I see You when a bride and groom join
I see You in a million bucks and a coin

I see You in real service and true love
I see You in explosions in the sky above

I see You in a mountain and in a hill
I see You in a hundred degrees and in a chattering chill

I see You in the trees and their leaves blowing in the breeze
I see You in a child's sneeze

I see You in a baby's giggles and cries
and in someone's teary eyes

I see You at recess on a swing
I see You in a kite attached to a little string

I see You in a pen and paper
and in paint and a brush
I see You in a candle's vapor
and in a little kid's crush

I see You in a rainbow
I see You in the first hello

I see You in a flirt
I see You jammin' at a concert

I see You in a blink and a wink
I see You in Wendy and in Tink

I see You in lifted hands
I see You in screaming fans

I see You on a skateboard
I see You in a guitar chord

I see You in a rope swing over a creek
I see You in a brand new pair of tiny light up sneaks

I see You in a moose-bird and a fish
I see You in a blown-out-candle's wish

I see You in cheers, fears, tears
and dead end careers
I see You under a bridge in a cardboard box
I see You splashing on the docks

I see You in the movies and on the TV
I see You in the blue blanket of the sea

I see You when I eat a meal
I see You when I'm tempted to steal

I see You when I wake up and the morning draws nearer
I see You when I turn on the light and I see You in the mirror

I see You when my car starts
I see You in shopping carts

I see You in my phone and my hair and my clothes
I see You when the street light glows

I see You in anger
I see You in pain
I see You in the shower
and flowing down the drain

I see You when you sing
I see You when you yell
I see You in a harp
I see You as the giant fell

I see You on a plane
I see You on a train
I see You in a chain and
I see You in a stain

I see You in a chair - in a bear - in a stare

In shotguns and pistols
In bells and whistles

In a choir
In a fire
In a theif
and a liar

In a lock and a key
In a frog on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea

In a letter in the mail
In a sweater that grandmother knit last Christmas - alone at her home putting thought into every detail

In socks
In rocks
In shoes
In the snooze button

In school
In a pool
In a fairy
In a blueberry muffin

In teeth
In a tongue
In a cancerous lung

In a guitar
In a drum
and a scar on a thumb

I see You in my cat
I see You in Iraqi combat

I see You in red
I see You in white
I see You when two punks try to start a fight

I see You in a fist and in an open hand, and
I see You when the two join together to make a stand

I see You in war and in a blossoming flower
I see You in the darkest midnight hour

I see You in two apple trees
even when two birds bring them to their knees, and
I see You in unity

I see You in the white house
I see You in a white blouse

I see You in a blond and a brunette
I see You in a time machine and in regret

I see You in a heart that's broken
I see You in words unspoken

I see You behind make-up and behind a fake smile
I see You in the sadness that's built up into a big pile

I see You in a thong
I see You in silence and song
I see You in ping pong

I see You on the sidewalk taking a stroll
I see You in the movement of rock and roll

I see You in sex
I see You in drugs
I see You in violence and
I see You in hugs

I see You in an uncontrollable laugh
and when someone breaks down to cry
I even see You when the person closest to a heart, suddenly dies

I see You in a wheel chair
I see You in a pinky swear

I see You in the emergency room
I see You in a closing tomb

I see You in a joyful orphan
In the midst of nothing - a beautiful grin

I see You in a cripple, a blind man, and a mute
I see You when they talk, see, and walk towards you

I see You in Texas California Florida and Tennessee
I see You in New York South Carolina Louisiana Canada Oklahoma Georgia Africa Neverneverland Narnia and Kentucky
I see you all over town and my home and in my own city
-
Here You are - there You are
You couldn't hide if you tried
I see You in EVERYTHING and it blows my mind
but...
why cant I
feel You
I just want to

feel you

around me - surround me - drown me in Your robe
consume me like I know

why am I numb - why am I alone
why can't I hear you on the other end of the phone
I just want to run back in your arms back home
I miss You so much
I see you so much
but I want to feel your missed touch

Love Enough

Hey!

Hi...

How's it going?

:shrug: You know...

Hey, what's the matter?

No big deal - I guess I feel like my heart's been shattered...

Oh no! What happened?!

It's my sin I'm still wrapped in.
I can't seem to get away
and pain keeps over my every day.
I dont want to be this way -
maybe i should go away...

No way! Don't leave yet.
I'm here to listen and let you talk if you need it.

Don't you see?!
Can't you read me?
Leave me be!
Or I'll end up hurting you too -
it seems to be something I tend to do.

It's okay - I'm here to help

You can't change these cards I was dealt!
You can't take me off the shelf!
You can't remove the shadows in my heart
and you can't give me a new start.
It's over and I'm done.
I give up - darkness won this one...

Wait! Don't say that!
Don't let go!
There's so much you don't know!

Whatever - I know I'll never get better.
You can't fix me - you can't stitch me.
Just let it happen - this is game over...

NO.

What?

It's not true.

There's nothing YOU can do.

You're right - you're absolutely right.
There's nothing you or I can do to win this fight.
But in the darkest darkness, there's always a light.

Yeah, right...

There is.
No matter how deep a cut is
there's a way to heal it.

I don't believe it.

There's a way to re-deal.
There's a way to steal back a heart that's turned black.
You can start again.

No way...

YES WAY.

HOW THEN?!

Turn your life over to the Son of Man.
Let go of yourself and let Him take over your hands.
He can heal your deepest pain and build you back up to be you again.
Except...you'll be a new you - your life will be lived in truth.
He accepts you, regardless of your past hue
He repaints your colors into beauty completely new.
HE FREAKING LOVES YOU!

How could He love...me?
Inside and out I feel so ugly.
If He's so amazing and loving and real
I can't imagine how resentful of me He must feel...

No, no, no.
His love is real and true.
It's like no worldly love you thought you ever knew.
We're all ugly and we've all done wrong
and we've all sinned, time and time again.
But if we let go of our life and hand it over to Him
He fills the Him-sized hole inside and completely changes us from within.
Give all yourself to him!

Wow...where is He?
How do I find him?
...
How can I be good enough for His perfect love?

You're not - you never will be.
But that's the best part you see!
You don't have to be
good enough.
His love is completely a gift!
For free!
All you have to give Him is your life and your love
and He'll pour out His grace down from our home above.
...
Wait what's wrong? Why're you crying?

It's just...
This love - it's what's going to keep me from dying.
I want it - I want to live and not die.
I want this true love of Jesus Christ.
How do I get it?

Just ask for it!
Call out his name.
Ask Him to forgive your shame so you're never the same.
Know He spilled His life out on the cross for you
and took your sin and fostered you to be a creation completely new.
He's been knocking on your door.
Just let Him in!
Let Him take you over and you'll never be the same again.
Your sins have been bought and sold.
Just give Him your heart to hold.
He's forever in control and He'll lead you through valleys of shadows and back into light.
Just go wherever He goes, even when only darkness is in sight.
All of what is you and your future - He already knows.
No matter how lost or disgusting you've ever felt like
He guides you and cleans you to ignite the world with His light.
You're now going to live forever in His house up above
and soak forever in His never ending love
and His love is all that is enough.

The Olive Pression

Aren't gardens supposed to be colorful and beautiful and glowing and delightful
Aren't birds usually singing their solos and songs
Isn't the ground supposed to be warm and soft
and the bushes and trees illuminated with green
And all smiling at adorers like me

Then this is no typical garden
with an eclipsical warden
The darkest place, this side of the Jordan

The shadows are laughing and staring
and the flowers are withered and dying
The trees are howling and glaring
And everyone I know is deep asleep and lying and dreaming
and not seeming to understand the tension in my soul
and the dimension of my role in this garden of stone light

I'm alone tonight

Except for one wing of light to help me stand upright
Still - my strain is growing and waning
Emotional pain is landing and showing
I'm sweating blood.
It's dripping off my clasped hands into the mud and sand

Abba!
I know you hear my voice - hear my plea:
Please take this cup away from me

Father!
You hear me clearly - hear my plea:
remove this cup far away from me

Daddy!
Hear my plea! See
if there is another way for it to be
and let it fall down upon me

This cup is filled with no pleasant drink
No water - no wine - nothing
but pain and sin and responsibility
and a role so deep
That if it be your will - your will I will keep
And as I am your son - your will be done

Now even the dead leaves on the ground and the pale grass has surrounded me
closing in around my sore knees - taunting me
This place I've been before - a home I thought I knew - now is haunting me
Curse you Gethsemane - you garden of agony

It's Spring - but the wind is cold and my lips are blue
It's Spring - but the blossom's bloom is long overdue
I think Spring missed its cue because this is no Spring that I'm going through

I can feel creepers crawling up behind me
Shadow and Darkness purring beside me
circling and chanting a song of Sheol
grinding the thoughts in my mind like coal
burning and blazing a tune of a hell-raising
on my soul crushed with grief to the point of death
Relief has blown away with my feeble breath

And in that - Darkness approaches...

Isss sssomething the matter?
Have all of your friendsss ssscattered?
Why do your teeth chatter?

Oh, but I know why you're here
You want the be the pioneer
Thisss isss your big premier!

Ssso far it ssseemsss to be going ssso well
But you ssseem a little tenssse to tell
Chill out - relaxsss - go catch a hotel

J.C. baby - you need to let it be
Be free from thisss burdening
You'll feel better - my guarentee!

You need to go walk around - take a break
What you're planning on doing isss imposssible anyway
Having mankind ressst on your ssshouldersss isss to much for any one man to take

Leave me be snake - or I will crush your head

I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil
and be released from this tread of the dead
for He and His breath, thread me through the shadows ahead

And in that - I silenced Darkness' foul counsel

But the darkness has only began to form its storm
heading this way to flood this garden - my home - my pardon

Now the hour has come
to be betrayed at the hands of brothers and sinners of the slum
Once my brother but now someone other
I wish him to kiss another, with lips so bleak
But he kissed me - he laid his kiss upon my cheek

Now is the beginning of the end
that is only to begin

But in the midst of this true anguish - I can't help but grin
That through the blood and sweat and cold dark in the garden
Through my last breath and coming death
Through the wood and iron and pain and strife
soon everyone will have a chance at a new, true
eternal life.

Bell-Air

I have to warn all of you out there
There's something I need to share
Open your ears to hear
Open your mind to be made aware

You're headed straight toward despair
To a place you'll find no repair
To a place where the air is fear
Where there is pain that you cannot bear

But when I tell you with swear
about this death based lair
it's like nothing you hear
like a bell made of air

And you'll not prepare
or turn to prayer
And your death will be severe
and forever you will spend there

But right now
you don't even care
And one night
it'll be too late

But You have a bright choice
for a different fate

Don't wait to turn around
Don't let it slip away
Lose your life to Him and find it found
Follow the loud sound of His way

Raw

whats in my head?
thoughts drifting dead have spoken and said to me
"you are dead to me"

a butterfly flying free
got shot through the head and the heart
right at the beginning of the start of a new transformed life apart
from a longly concealed time
alone

a swan singing beautifully
got its voice stolen and ripped away
silenced and frayed
chained down and drawn into the night as it had just seen the day
dawn

a lion roaring loudly
got hunted down and found dying dead
mane soaked red and pride abandoned
again

they dont belong here where they are taking on and in the deepest scars of sin
tearing the threads holding their souls together
facing death underneath the worldly weather

to be hunted robbed and shot
for roaring singing and flying
is the beating of red living hearts
being slain by the dying

dont you get it? we dont care!
we're everywhere out there - we butterflies swans and lions
wearing our woven camel hair - sipping raw honey
chomping down locusts - and wanting no nothing

to shackle the marrow of a barbarians bones
is to try to tame the wildest of souls
this isnt something you can begin to control
so let go! let go! LET IT GO!

theres an invasion coming!
we're on our way and running up the little blue hill to the city of lightning
once we're at the top we'll've won the stop of fire
to extinguish the desire to put out our exploding flames
to truly spread the sweetest of Names

we're ending your games
we're done with being maimed
these savaged hearts can't be tamed
WE ARE UNASHAMED

i will truly spread the sweetest of Names

whats in my head?
thoughts drifting dead have spoken and said to me
"fly free
sing beautifully
roar loudly
for you are dead to me".

Bricks

I got bricks
Big blood red bricks
stacked up around me
Piled and surrounding the Me who I am not to be

I can hardly breath
I need air that's clean
Not blood red dust from the blood red blocks
stacked up around me like immovable rocks

I need light that's bright
cause the bricks have walled-off all my sight

I'm blind and bound
I can't move myself across any more ground
I'm stuck in the muck and the cud and the mud
and these dark red bricks soaked deep with blood
Sticking and staying in place
until a Redeemer comes to show me grace
and take my place

Until then I'll keep hidden my face
from these blood stained stones
crushing down on my bones

The Wanton Leaf

A despicable man was ripped apart in the court yard bay today
his flesh and bone was torn and stained a tone they had not known of scarlet red
his never-to-be-scars let dead men wince for the first time at a so called prince
or a so called king - a so called savior these fools would sing
These switchocrites used to sing "Hosanna!"
and fan the palm branches like his steed was majestic
Donkeys make Me sick

They used to praise him at his feet and drool behind him like a beggar in the street
and now they stand along side Me screaming his name
My same profanities as this self-proclaimed Christ is wrenched to his broken knees
But amongst all his delicious, draining, drenching brown blood
and delightful, dirty, divine broken bones
his red has stained in torment
and yet is to come still the main event

• 
  

A humming is rising over the morning horizon
Waxing and kindled from embers of rage
at this thespian on a roman stage
painted a royal red with a sharpened crown on his royal head
hearing only one voice being said

his sisters and brothers - his pains true lovers
uncovering what's been held under their hearts
All ready to explode and start the show
and rip his soul apart - and fold his bones
and lift up their garden's stones - and throw them with all the might they have
but no
From crimes as his - disgustingly thin and cold as sin
No - his death deserves far so more
and we all know what it is
and we chant its hymn
what we've been dying to cry
Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him!

•  

he's finally moving now! Barely moving now
he's so pathetic and weak - creeping up to Skull Peak
Dragging himself under a splintering plank
I'd take the iron and nail him to it myself if I could
How ironic to combine a carpenter to a column of wood
What a beautiful way to look back on how the fallen once stood
on such deceitful ground - mesmerizing the crowd
with magic and illusion and mud

But now what a tragic transfusion of blood from his vein to the floor
like a stoned down whore
I'm surprised he's lived this long
I'm shocked he's made it this far
But now he's maimed and unrecognizable and broken and scarred
and the closer to the hill he gets - the heavier the people gets raving
And to myself I smile as the thought sits of how
this savior needs saving

• 
  

Our moment of truth has been awaiting
And now here she is - opening the gate and singing
bringing this man to utter pain
shaving a lion's mane - slaughtering a lamb already slain

A dream I had dreamed of being the butcher is coming to light
Forming before Me a line up Skull's Climb
leading to the end of this wretch's life
laying on two trees - on a limb to die
So excited I'm shaking with dance
We all get a swing at the nails in his hands!

I'm twitching - I'm antsy - This opportunity thrives my fancy
Closer and closer and louder - the metallic sound of the hammer's howl
The tempo rocks My heartbeat's pound
One by one - all before Me - laying all of themselves out on this striking
My insides spiking like a tossing sea
And then I was relayed the tool to drive the stake and splinter the branch
and shake the ground with as hard of a strike as My body would allow

My eyes spin red - and foam is sliding down My chin
My grin is gritted - And my heart is fitted with rage
and filled to the gauge
This is about to happen
I rose pale knuckles
and had My view shaking on one spot
As My veins boiling and chest exploding
My eyes were caught - and my heart stopped
Frozen still I dropped

he drew my insides out through my gaping eyes
for His was as beautiful as His father's sky
All hatred - all rage - all fury - all fire
all my desire to strike was drifting away down the hill
in our silent moment
In His quiet eyes that attached themselves to mine
He whispered a question down me and asked
Why?

• 
  

Didn't You know - why i'm laying here on this carpenter's bed
with a cold steel keeping me weeping
Why i wear the world's sandals
and strolled up this mountain with splinters in my shoulder
with an ocean of water and words from my people
draining out the chasms in my back that cats scratched out
and laughed about
Why there was a crown fashioned that i placed upon my head
that tore my skin until I bled
Why I was captured in the dark in the olive park
while just spending time with my father
Why there in the brush there was a rush of my veins through my pours
onto the floor where I was betrayed

Why don't you realize why i am where i am
Why i am who i am - Why i'm doing what i'm doing
i'm doing this for You
i'm tortured and bent and all spent - for You
so You dont die and die and die forever
Be my son - drop Your life off this cliff and carry Your own cross behind me
be crucified here next to me and You can be with me tomorrow in paradise

I AM the Sun that is the light of the day
I AM the road that is the way
I AM the truth
I AM the blood that is life
I AM - for I love you

• 
  

How such beauty mine eyes never seen
A perfect stark lamb would be trampled taint for me
someone so ugly and unforeseen to anything worth meaning
i sought out the lamb - in murder i was gleaming
i took the lilly and drowned it under - I took the horizon and drained its color

The song so sang how sweet the sound
was ruined and maimed by wretch like me
Darkened and lost but now so found
my eyes had gone - now, see

See before me my missing Father as flesh
Submitting a resignation for religious posh
About to be finished for life - for all ever to live forever
As i realized - my minute hand shaking reached out - mute
But i was late and missed out
Our eyes drew away and apart
and seven sizes grew my heart

i loved Him and wanted Him next to me
Not hung from a deadly redwood tree
with my despicableness blanketing His pureness
my purelessness drapped heavy across His righteousness
His Father can't even bare the wicked man standing before all man kind
hands opened to hold the burden of all wrong ever mine

Arms stretched the horizon - looking for an impossible hug
Knowing it will never come
Still knowing i leaped the tower and clutched our hour of shame
and wept His name - and cursed my name

i bit the nails wedged in His standing coffin
and cracked my teeth trying to pull them out
i split my tissue trying to bring Him off
Pulling with any pathetic might i had left
i shook the tree violently - screaming
It began to rain on me again - apples from the heart of a man
and my body became still

Each drip of life made my dead skin come alive
Red rain washing down my corps
covering what has always been and dying
and opening a brand new door

i looked up from the eroding floor at a ransacked man
Who from Him bore a path to walk of light and salt
who's end is love that is ever more

• 
  

A beautiful man was ripped apart in the court yard bay yesterday
His flesh and bone was worn as to atone
all sheep who've lost and found as dead

If ever there was a greater prince stead
His followers fools to dance and sing but to this final King of Kings
who took the world on His shattered back
and His back the lightless knife was stabbed

But such a deed was all for me - for my little life - for little me
Underneath this rotting redwood tree
He poured all it down
His love for Me