29 December 2010

loco motion

but why try to chase a train
they come and they go on a track you cant contain
its all crazy vibrating
its all loco motion

i stand next to a living train
not another thing bleeds shiny fascination 
but what is her name?
can i hold it? can i catch it?
and the flying wind
whispers me
patience, kid
here comes the 10:15 to Georgia
youre the one
i lay in the locomotive river
not hardly partly of the sky can be seen
because gliding above me is a dangerous tummy
and the world could be silent and
the world could stop spinning and 
and the world could care less
she still roars by with an almost-kiss

i see the magesticy far beyond me
the grandest thing so small
sized down by miles - by inches - by minutes - by walls dressed in their
sunday morning clocks 
i need a time bomb

so down the hill
so across the plain
and still sounds vibrate up from the ground
and i catch the beating of the engine of the train

and a damp track is laid from misty eyes down my floody face
and into the thirsty desert deeper
as i gently reach out for her
i pinch my fingers and squint my eye
but i couldnt stretch any further if i tried
and my fingers come back empty with a sigh
and a sad chime of a departing bell
oh well

...

no well! not well! not okay!
get my dusty bottoms up from the station and run the way!
ive never ran for anything in my life but thats why this is so right!
there is no matter withstanding between my love train and my fight
all cowboys - WATCH ME RIDE!

no horse ever galloped this fast
no dirt ever kicked up this high
no outlaw ever looked so good in a bandanna
and no heart ever longed something so bad
except mine
if i dont catch this train 
my own engine might die
so i ride

no - this doesnt make sense
its loco motion
its chest weaves adventure of a barbarian ghost
from the most least

and this ride is far from the west
this is no western
this train rolls from the East

20 December 2010

Manifest Destiny

I've wanted my whole life to meet an angel
to see upon a beauty only seen by ghosts
to be amidst pure soul where flesh is absent and hole
I've dreamed she love me and I love her as thee
a mirror of the inside of me I cannot see
a manifest of destiny

I've chased a child's lifetime
in swings and skips 
through sails of ships
in so many nooks and their so many crannies
in pseudo character of motion light
in pages and chapters
in arrested illumination and its bodily captor
bound tight

I've been digging for this ghostly groan in a pile of bones
poking for nothing less than breath
on a road paved to my angel's death

A path gets traveled backwards and the end is most dreadful
still we never turn around until after the cliff is of no return
because behind us is a gust of lust that fills up our lungs with sweet empty air
and tickles our nose hairs
and oh how sweet it tastes unbare

I flew this path although naive
although ignorant as a two year old thief
still I flew
to touch the angel I had laid in my mind I had to find

On a moment as sure as the sun
the sun so as fast as it could
hid its face and made the sky dark as my heart
and on darkness I stood
I stripped away life and breath
to breathe is a gift
I unwrapped and destroyed it as it mine to void and rift

My hands would never do such a thing as I did
Then explain her death but as your heart of this rid
but just a kid - doesn't change it
but only a child - doesn't sway it

The spirit I was yearning and losing and burning
was held and drowned
killed by my very sound
Now why watch a will to live
lift and split and cease to exist
But who am I to magestify myself
What right do I have to think I own life
much less death
to think I pilot what time I have left
or that any other clock ticks by my count
or that the cosmos might almost notice any piece of my shout
and song and hopelessness
this rawness does not lay in my hands

But the hands that hold and the hands that feed
tell me that she still sings
she still paints and creates
she still lights up the moon near by the sea
she still looks for me 
and I for her
the angel the clincher
Not she I shall chase
but the heart of the one who lay the mug of my face
Who lay before me 
the manifest of my destiny

No more shove in love
but surrender to fall forever



12 December 2010

The Barbarian Way - Erwin McManus | Revolt

[Selections from]

|Everywhere the kingdom of God advances, there is a violent engagement against the dark kingdom. To be born of God is to be made a citizen in the kingdom of God, and the kingdom of God is at war. Do not confuse this kingdom with Paradise. Salvation is not reentry into a Paradise Lost; it is enlistment in the mission of God.

|We build churches that become nothing more than hiding places for the faithful while pretending that our actions are for the good of the world. 

|We are called to be warriors of light in dark places. We are mystical warriors who use weapons not of this world. 

|Given that Jesus Himself is the God of Israel, it should strike us as extraordinary that He was not welcome there. But then again, Jesus didn't like it there. One of Jesus' most violent moments took place in the temple. 

|[The sellers of goods in the temple] had become so good at religion that they had no need for God. They were so full of themselves that they had no room for God. When it came down to it, they loved their civilized religion far more than they longed to know the God who created them. They treasured the civilization built around their religion and despised the primal faith from which it was born. They would rather have the temple than the Presence. 

|[The sellers of goods in the temple] could not for a moment imagine that God would choose so barbaric a container as flesh and blood. It shouldn't surprise us that soon after they destroyed the Temple of God, God destroyed their temple. 

|Two thousand years ago God started a revolt against the religion He started. So don't ever put it past God to cause a groundswell movement against churches and Christian institutions that bear His name. If He is willing to turn Judaism upside down, don't think for a moment our institutions are safe from a divine revolt. I am convinced that even now there are multitudes of followers of Jesus Christ who are sick and tired of the church playing games and playing down the call of God. My travels only confirm that the murmurings of revolution are everywhere. I am convinced that there is an uprising in the works and that no one less than God is behind it. 

|Who could have guessed that a message of love could incite to much hostility?

|Jesus was crucified not in spite of His love, but because of it. Somehow love incites both love and hate with equal force. The mission of Christ would be so easy to embrace and carry out if love always resulted in love, but it does not. It seems the world insists that love be proved. So then those who claim love are required to endure hate's most brutal tests. Wherever the love of Christ would be spread by His disciples, they encountered rejection, persecution, suffering, and even death.

|Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering. 

|The suffering of Christ glorifies God because it elevates love. Compelled by love, God would go where He knew suffering was certain. Love always moves to sacrifice, which is exactly where He calls us to go. We shouldn't be surprised, then, that to follow Christ is to abandon the luxury of safety and security. If we are to be like Him, we must always risk for love. We are invited to follow Him with reckless abandon. The call of God is more than a leap of faith; its a life of faith. Even when it seems beyond our abilities, we should not be surprised when God tells us to jump. 

|We raise our children in the cocoon of a domesticated faith and wonder why they run as far as they can to find adventure.

|How many stories do we need of children who grow up in church being forced to act like a Christian rather than being won to the heart of God?

|The civilized Christian does what is right out of fear; the barbarian does what is right out of love.

|Christian civilization is held together by rules and rituals; the barbarian revolt is fueled by the passion of God and guided by the mission of God.

|Every citizen of the kingdom of God is brought into the heat of the conflict between good and evil. Everyone who swears allegiance to Christ bears responsibility for humanity. The power and force of the barbarian way are that each one who chooses His path must find the courage to jump.

|When we are born again, we are dropped not into a maternity ward, but into a war zone. Our birthplace is less mother's womb and more battlefield earth. Maybe the first words we hear should not be "welcome," but "jump." There is no trial run, no practice life. 

|The barbarian revolt is an insurrection that defies the treaty between civilization and the powers of the dark world. We will not stand by and watch humanity sell its soul to gain the world. We will not be seduced by the comforts offered us if only we would compromise. We cannot pretend that all there is, is what we can see. Barbarians know the world of spirit. We know there is a darkness that subversively corrupts the hearts of men, and to do nothing is to be complicit. We are born into a war. We may feel like children, but we are warriors.

|Paul reminded us that not only are we dropped into the middle of a war, but the war rages in the middle of us. You cannot run or hide from the war any more than you can run or hide from yourself. You can become a prisoner of war, but you are never exempt from the war.

|It is true that the enemy will essentially leave you alone if you are domesticated. He will not waste his energy destroying a civilized religion. If anything, he uses his energy to promote such activity. Religion can be one of the surest places to keep us from God. When our faith becomes refined, it is no longer dangerous to the dark kingdom. 

|Barbarians, on the other hand, are not to be trusted. They respect to borders that are established by powers of principalities. They have but one King, one Lord, and one mission. They are insolent enough to crash the gates of hell. For the sake of others, they are willing to risk their own lives and thrust themselves into the midst of peril. 

|It's as if at the moment of our conversion, we were lifted beyond time into eternity. Seated with Christ in the heavenly realms, we can't get much higher in altitude than that. But then created by God to do good, to fulfill His purpose in the world, to advance His cause, we are God's ground troops dropped back from eternity back into history. In the same world where we were once at home, we are not strangers and aliens. Where once we were enemies of God, we are not behind enemy lines

|We need to let ourselves become unique individuals that God created us to be. We need to stop trying to be what everyone else wants us to be and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Civilized people measure one another by their robes and signet rings. The barbarians measure only heart and actions. Barbarians live as if they are naked before God and naked before men. They have nothing to hide; they do not waste their energy pretending to be someone they're not. 

|The barbarian hides nothing before God, and his tribe battles naked and unashamed. 

|One barbarian wandering through civilization can be discarded as nothing more than an oddity. But when members of the barbarian tribe line up across the battlefield, side by side, something amazing begins to happen. Dark kingdoms tremble; the dungeons and prisons that hold men, women, and children captive crumble; prison doors open; chains unlock; and multitudes come to freedom. Whenever the barbarians of Christ pass through civilization, the oppressed and forgotten are soon found dancing in the streets. 

|When an opponent beheads one barbarian, he better be prepared, for we will return in force. We fight violence with peace, hatred with love, and oppression with servanthood. While never violating our uniqueness, we move together, united in heart and soul. Our greatness is unleashed in the context of community. When we move together, God is most perfectly revealed in us. 

|We need to move together as God's people, a barbarian tribe, and become the human version of the rhino crash. The future is uncertain, but we need to move toward it with confidence. There's a future to be created, a humanity to be liberated. We need to stop wasting our time and stop being afraid of what we cannot see and do not know. We need to move forward full force because of what we do know. 

|We may not be able to see what's at thirty-one feet, but we don't have to be blind to what's right in front of us. There's a world that desperately needs God, a world filled with loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. We have somehow become deaf to a cry that reaches heaven coming from the souls of men. But God hears. 

|...we must be aware of the temptation to return to the captivity from which we were freed. There is but one path to freedom. There is no easy road made available. We cannot claim to know Christ and to honor Him if we refuse the path He calls us to follow. Do not insist on binding Him or associating Him with a domesticated or civilized faith. Do not dishonor Him by claiming that a life of faith is a life without risk. This war has no room for pomp or pretension. 

|Jesus leads us into the heart of the dark kingdom, into the soul of what is most evil. He takes us where mankind has chosen to live. He calls us to where the darkness has made those who wander there desperate for light. He leads us as warriors of light to risk our lives for the deliverance of others. Again, our own weapons are love, hope, and faith, and they are our only defense. Yet we above all know that they and only they liberate us and fulfill the deepest longings of our souls.

|If you choose to live your life in this way, if you make the insane decision to live your live for the sake of others, if you choose to follow the One whose barbarian path led Him to the brutality of the Cross, and if you embrace His invitation to take up your own cross and follow Him, then it has begun. If you dare allow God to unlock your primal spirit, He will unleash the raw and untamed faith within. then you will know you have chosen the barbarian way out of civilization.

10 December 2010

The Barbarian Way - Erwin McManus | Tribe

[Selections from]

|I tell you the truth: Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist; yet he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. [Matthew11:11]

|Jesus wanted to make it clear that the greater the kingdom responsibility, the more a barbarian is required.

|Jesus and John [the Baptist] were considered barbarians...Their lives could not be explained apart from God.

|Somehow Christianity has become a non-mystical religion. It's about a reasonable faith

|We have become believers rather than experiencers. 

|Who you are at the core is spirit. God is Spirit. To walk with God is to journey in the spiritual realm.

|Although you can learn important things about God from others, in the end to know the barbarian way you must receive your instructions from God Himself...there's a level of insanity that comes with the barbarian way.

|Yet if we learn anything about God through John, it is that God has no problem with spiritual eccentrics. The point, of course, is not that God makes us mentally or emotionally imbalanced, but that He makes us passionately and spiritually unbalanced. God steers us in the direction of his kingdom, His purpose, His passions. His desire is not to conform us, but to transform us. Not to make us compliant, but to make us creative. His intent is never to domesticate us, but to liberate us.

|You cannot meet the Creator of the universe and remain the same.

|When you join the barbarian tribe, you begin to live your life with your eyes and your heart wide open. When the Spirit of God envelops your soul, your spirit comes alive, and everything changes for you. You are no longer the same. And to those tho cannot see the invisible, to those who refuse to believe it exists, the path you choose, the life you live, may lead them to conclude that you are not simply different but insane. People who are fully alive look out of their minds to those who simply exist.

|If only fools fall in love and people who are in love act like fools, then those who are changed by God's love really do become fools for Christ.

|Sometimes it's easier to believe in love you can touch than love that is real.

|God is not a drug, and He certainly does not create experiences and emotions that makes us feel better but not become better.

|The civilized build shelters and invite god to stay with them; barbarians move with God where He chooses to go. The civilized Christian has a routine; the barbarian disciple has a mission. The civilized believer knows the letter of the law; the barbarian disciple lives the spirit of the law. The religiously civilized love tradition; the barbarian spirit loves challenges. The civilized are satisfied with ritual; barbarians live and thrive in the mystical. For the civilized disciple, religion provides stability and certainty; for the barbarian, a life in God is one of risk and mystery. And maybe even a little insanity. There's no way to escape that barbarians can appear out of their minds. No reasonable person would ever fully follow God everywhere He calls. God is simply unreasonable.

|Hearing God is not only to be normal, but also to be an essential proof of belonging to God.

|To study the Bible is important, but it is not a primal evidence that you belong to God. Anyone can study the Bible, but only those who know Him can hear His voice and are taught by Him.Although the barbarian may not be formally trained, she is always God-taught. Jesus expected that those who were His followers would hear His voice, know His voice, and follow only His voice, even as He calls us out by name and leads us on the barbarian way. 

|So many of us have put our hope in teaching our children about God rather than guiding them into an experience with God. 

|Our goal must not be to populate the Christian religion but to bring people into a genuine relationship with God.

|[Ezekiel 35:22-23] He will prove He is God and He is holy not through His actions but through the actions of His people. A civilized faith relates to right and wrong as a moral obligation. A barbarian faith loves good and hates evil.

|From the moment we become citizens of the kingdom of God, we become aliens and strangers in a world that chooses to live absent of God. 

|You are a stranger to them, an alien among them, a nomadic wanderer who, while refusing to be rooted in this life, seems to somehow enjoy this life most. 

|Every one of us who hears the barbarian call of Christ and chooses to follow will become a foreigner and perhaps even an outcast in the time and place in which we live. 

|All who belong to the barbarian tribe are like Moses, who stepped toward the fire and heard the voice of God. For them the whole earth is holy ground. They do not separate between sacred and secular or real life and spiritual life. All of life is sacred; every action is spiritual. God is everywhere for them and in all things at all times.

|Barbarians never exist simply to survive. Barbarians never just get through the day. Barbarians wake to live and live life fully awake. 

|When the church becomes an institution, people are nothing more than volunteers to be recruited. When the church is a movement, our stewardship becomes the unleashing of our God-given gifts, talents, and passions.
|My goal is not to cast a vision that everyone buys into, but to create a visional community where everyone who enters in begins to have wild and God-sized dreams and visions. There is a price to pay, of course, when you choose this particular path; you end up with an unruly barbarian tribe. They keep getting called by God to do things you didn't expect or really didn't want them to do. 

|While modern man keeps hoping we will evolve into something that will be godlike, the barbarian way unveils that our best future is found in our primal beginnings. Evolution is not the key to humanity's freedom; transformation is.

The Barbarian Way - Erwin McManus | Call

[Selections from]

|[John the baptist] had no formal education, no degrees. His occupation was prophet, and his mailing address was the wilderness. 

|[Matthew 11:4-6] What Jesus is saying to John has been far too barbaric for us to keep in the mainstream of Christian faith. Jesus was saying to him, "John, I'm not coming through for you. I'm not getting you out of prison. I'm not sparing your life. Yes, I have done all this and more for others, but the path I choose for you is different from theirs. You'll be blessed, John, if this does not cause you to fall away."

|The barbarian way is not about violence fueled by vengeance and hatred. The barbarian way is about love expressed through sacrifice and servanthood. 

|We are called to a path filled with uncertainty, mystery, and risk.

|This is the sticky part of the barbarian call. It's not fair or equitable. When you hear the call, when you follow the call, you must recognize that it is a lie-and-death proposition.

|Your life is unique before God, and your path is yours and yours alone. 

|Christianity as a civilized religion claims to have a group plan negotiated with God. Everybody gets the same package. And of course, the package is always the premium plan - get rich, get comfortable, get secure, get safe, get well when you get God. Everybody gets the John plan; nobody gets the Peter package [John 21:22]. The result and proof of faith are that you get to live a life without risk, which is ironic when you realize that for the early church, faith was a risky business. 

|[Hebrews 11:33-40] They trusted Jesus with their lives, and they lost their lives on the journey. If you could interview any one of them, however, each would insist that even in the midst of the suffering and hardship, he was most fully alive. 

|Some barbarians survive the night in the lion's den; others experience their darkest night and wake in eternity. 

|The civilized view of Jesus is that He always comes through for us. Like Superman, He always shows up just in time to protect us and save us from disaster. His purpose is to ensure our safety, our convenience, and our comfort.  

|Instead of finding confidence to live as we should regardless of our circumstances, we have used it as a justification to choose the path of least resistance, least difficulty, least sacrifice. Instead of concluding it is best to be wherever God wants us to be, we have decided that wherever it is best for us to be is where God wants us. Actually, God's will for us is less about our comfort than it is about our contribution. God would never choose for us safety at the cost of significance. God created you so that your life would count, not so that you could count the days of your life. 

|[Paul's] journals, however, described not a life filled with safety and certainty, but a life of adventure and danger. 
|Danger would have been [Paul's] first clue that he was out of God's will - unless, of course, he was a barbarian.
|There may not be a more dangerous weapon for violence or oppression than religion. It seems counter-intuitive, but when human beings create religions, we use them to control others through their guilt and shame. 

|[Paul] once personified the very worst that happens when a religion becomes civilized. It moves away from God and oppresses humanity in God's name.

|Somewhere along the way the movement of Jesus Christ became civilized as Christianity. We created a religion using the name of Jesus Christ and convinced ourselves that God's optimal desire for our lives was to insulate us in a spiritual bubble where we risk nothing, sacrifice nothing, lose nothing, worry about nothing. Yet Jesus' death wasn't to free us from dying, but to free us from the fear of death. Jesus came to liberate us so that we could die up front and then live. Jesus Christ wants to take us to places where only dead men and women can go.

|God is asking, "Are you wiling to lose everything on My behalf to gain everything I desire for you? Rather than living a long life, are you willing to live a life worth living?"

|[At Mosaic Church in Los Angeles] we're an experimental church...Anything He wants to do that other churches do not want to do or are unwilling to do, we'd like to take on. A part of our ethos (he spirit of our congregational culture) is a value for risk, sacrifice, and creativity.

|Barbarians are people of the earth. We know how to survive in the wild. We understand whoever walks in front walks closest to death, but even this knowledge does not slow us down. 

|Just do whatever Jesus calls you to do the moment it is clear to you. Do not procrastinate; do not hesitate; do not deviate from whatever course of action He calls you to. But I want to warn you, the close you walk with Christ, the greater faith required. The more you trust Him, the more you'll risk on His behalf. The more you love Him, the more you will love others.

|Barbarians hear a call different from that of civilized Christians. We understand clearly that we follow the God who chose the way of the Cross. If Jesus would not avoid the "place of the skull," then we should not be surprised where He might lead us. If even He found Himself sweating blood at Gethsemane, then we should be certain we will stand at crisis moments where all we can do after asking for relief is declare, "Not my will, but Yours." In those moments you may find very few who stand by you to provide you comfort and strength, and strangely enough, you may find far too many trying to reason with you that God would never require so much of anyone. Yet even with all the noise pounding inside your head, you will still clearly hear the voice of Christ and His barbarian call if you listen carefully enough.



The Barbarian Way - Erwin McManus | Invasion

[Selections from]

|To belong to God is to belong to His heart. If we have responded to the call of Jesus to leave everything and follow Him, then there is a voice within us crying out, "Fight for the heart of your King!"

|Christianity over the past two thousand years has moved from a tribe of renegades to a religion of conformists.

|We are called to an unconventional war using only weapons of faith, hope, and love.Nevertheless, this war is no less dangerous than any war ever fought. And for those of us who embrace the cause of Christ, the cost to participate in the mission of God is nothing less than everything we are and everything we have. 

|Strangely enough, though, some who come to Jesus Christ seem to immediately and fully embrace this barbarian way. They live their lives with every step moving forward and with every fiber of their being fighting for the heart of their King. Jesus Christ has become the all-consuming passion of their lives. They are not about religion or position. They have little patience for institutions and bureaucracies. Their lack of respect for tradition or ritual makes them seem uncivilized to those who love religion. When asked if they are Christians, their answer might suprisingly be no, they are passionate followers of Jesus Christ. They see Christianity as a world religion, in many ways no different from any other religious system. Whether Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, or Christianity, they're not about religion; they're about advancing the revolution Jesus started two thousand years ago.

|This is the simplicity of the barbarian way.If you are a follower of Christ, then you are called to fight for the heart of your King. It is a life fueled by passion - a passion for God and a passion for people. 

|Perhaps the tragedy of our time is that such an overwhelming number of us who declare Jesus as Lord have become domesticated - or, if you will, civilized. 

|The barbarian way is about love, intimacy, passion, and sacrifice. Barbarians love to live and live to love. For them God is life, and the mission is to reconnect humanity to Him. Their passion is that each of us might live in intimate communion with Him who died for us. The barbarian way is a path of both spirit and truth. The soul of the barbarian is made alive by the presence of Jesus

|The way of the barbarian can be found only by listening to the voice of the Spirit. The barbarian way can be known only by those who have the heart of God. The steps of the barbarian are guided by the footprints of Jesus. Barbarians see the invisible and hear the inaudible because their souls are alive to God. 

|Jesus came to ignited a fire within you that would consume you and ignite you. Jesus the King came to fight for your heart. If He has won your heart, then to follow your heart will always lead you to follow the heart of God. He will always lead you to advance forward behind enemy lines to win the hearts of those who do not yet know Him or love Him. 

|He's calling you to fight for he heart of your King. For some, doing this will be just way too barbaric, but for others, their only option will be to choose the barbarian way.

|Barbarians are not welcome among the civilized and are feared among the domesticated. The way of Jesus is far too savage for the sensibilities. 

|And times of war require barbarians who are willing to risk life itself for the freedom of others. The irony, of course, is that barbarians are driven away in times of peace - they only disrupt our communities, traditions, and sensibilities. It is only in the most desperate of times - times of war and conflict - that these outcasts are welcomed or even invited to return. 

|Christianity has become our Shawshank, and our redemption will only come if we find the courage to escape the prison we have created for ourselves. Risking everything to live free is our only hope.

|Jesus is being lost in a religion bearing His name. People are being lost because they cannot reconcile Jesus' associated with Christianity. Christianity has become docile, domesticated, civilized. We have forgotten that there is a kingdom of darkness stealing the hopes and dreams and souls of a humanity without God. It is time to hear the barbarian call, to form a barbarian tribe, and to unleash the barbarian revolt. Let the invasion begin...

18 November 2010

Hone

ode to the furnace of incinerate coldened love!
a frigid season mien of golden stubble

an emergence comes up from the crumbly rubble
a lambent heart of ember

remember, the shove

to temper,
to tone,
to hone.

17 November 2010

a brother me

who am i to spout such a thing
to rage a word through the thick of your back
and not already think of the aftermath
a new yawning wound screaming at the raining 
the waning blue moons

i didnt used to do this

who am i to feast on such a thing
as to gorge what my head would illustrate as a pathetically delicious thought
to settle my white tiled wall in the tender of it all

i didnt used to do this

who am i to collar such a thing
thats lucidly yours - dripping off your sleeve
and cast it about my delight and twirl in my fingers
bleed it out and booze my yen
so that i might not be so sunken drunk in my eclipse again

i didnt used to do this

why am i not the pleasant cat from the past
too deep asleep to mind me out of limbo?
not from egyptian blood grounds
but born bred an alleyway and a playful name
youre starving yourself like its a game
WAKE UP, BONES!

i didnt used to be this way

why am i the skipper
to skip and swing around a dark carnalivorous yield
to so freely bite without a fight
i leave my armor on the shelf
and dance on a velvet brick rug with the suite on a ledge
i do my foolish fumbling on the hedge

i didnt used to be this way

why am i that i want to cry
that a drought through the window stained lustrous
came breathing
when gray had forgotten cousin blue
oceans to oceans - dust to dust
must i be a weep or bust

i didnt used to be this way

where am i
who are you
dont i know you
i thought i was me
i am not the me who i used to be
who i was to be - who i am to be
i am not me

26 October 2010

an other me

I've been here so many times
and every time I leave I always end up back
Maybe I never left at all
I've been here so long
and every time I think I'll always be here
I don't seem to be that wrong at all

I see me and I hate me

I'm pathetically phasing between
blind deaf dumb and lame and shame
and it's always the same

Who's this monster I became

with internal eyes and flaky skin
filthy mind and dripping sin
I'm sorry but it's all about me
about the light I had that went off in fleet
that I can't seem to find
and can't seem to keep confined or reap
Rather I'm dimmed and deep shadowed
and brightness be lost by a scum and brood dross
manifested by a slum I built with reflecting gloss and square plans
and by my own bare hands


In the time

in which has been
I was but dead
in missing meter

In a time

yet to begin
I'm of the living
I am the leader

I see the future

I see the past
I see me now
and I am neither

In midst of time

in ticking fast
there's death and life
and I'm both
either has

another other me

in one rise, with one pull
death travels on through without rule
slow motion in a straight line through the air
from hands that are regretfully mine

in one small instant - in one quick explosion

ive met instant regret - my grinding insides gritty erosion

there is nothing in being that is worse or more painful

than feeling and seeing yourself bring pain on a loved one

collapse on my knees and look up to the sun

my eyes ignite in a salty fire

what have i done?

why have i done?
look what ive undone - someone's life who had just begun
that sick, twisted hatred that came from some
place very unsacred and strange, i do not know
some place that i wish never again to go
that hatred has changed masks - put on a new face
its eyes turn into MINE - my hate for others is replaced

i see it when it glares back in a reflection

i see such in perfection - this unwanted connection

i hate. the deepest hate.

its so real, and for myself
it rests in MY eyes whenever i see ME.
i hate ME. for this.

Here's to my perishing, pray for my end

no one should cherish me - not even ME

i hate ME for this

another me

my control is falling from my grasp - my rage risen - is ready to snap
hate oozes out my ember-ed vision

(Here)


i thought i'd always be able to hide this from those near to me

but they are those closely touched and burned by such my entity

(Among)


hate slides down my cheeks and beneath, over my lips, in between my clenched teeth


(The)


i dont want this - i dont want whats to come of this

though, there is nothing in the way of my kiss with a deathful breath

(Ego)


hate drips slowly in strands - flowing and flooding over my shaking hands

it rises in me - it stands - a tidal wave in a stormy rage
it demands release from its holding cage

Best Friend

There's no one else i'd rather be with right now than you. You just left from here and i promised it'll all work out and you wonder how? Its hard to follow a soft goodbye with a saddened brow and keep your ache from breaking into a storm downpour shake. One mistake you can hardly remember so suddenly renders everything you had going for you along with others too. No one's backing you up for the ones involved took the liberty to solve the problem in a way that isn't true, and they did it for you...gee thanks.

We both know you'd never even think to do it again but no one else believes us. And even if they do theres not much they'll do for you. Most wont even bring up a fuss or a care for you. But right when it hits you that the world left you with yourself behind, I'll reach out and grab your hand and you'll know at least im here by your side.


You screwed up, tough luck. Yeah it sucks but you have to suck it up. Push on through. I'll pray long and hard for you. Take what you have left and turn it into the best, and I'll be there to help you. People make mistakes and things begin to change. You've made a decision and nothing will ever be the same.


As hard as im throwing this at you out there, its as close to the truth and its only because I care. I swear through the nights I'll say a little prayer with you in the spotlight, that God will bring the center back to all better cause i know he will.


Lay out your trust on me and I'll do whatever you need, and lay it before God because its apart of his will.


Yeah you fell but dont ever forget that through the hell I'll be there to walk with you -


step by step - hand in hand


I'll talk you through because no matter what you do, you're my best friend


and i love you



[for B.G.C.]

a Rising

These ignited bones ring in tones of
reflection affection screaming from home

Bursting flames engulf my name,

im no longer this worlds man,
never the same - fly this phoenix
word imprinted - "Can"

What will I follow in faith without fame,

familiar content pain, seeming insanity,
erase my name
Destroy my vanity, set me free and
lack calamity
Set me not the same, let me be,
new in your name

Sickness

My sickness resembles nothing of a bug
a snake rather, my emotions in constant tug
the sickness seeps through my skin and out my
pores
bleeds in my mind, out my eyes, and floods to the floor
Now its impossible to hide, holding my hand next to
my side
Impossible to hide behind a smile, its spread effects
to others, painfully, for awhile
Seven years in the darkness, with time, its grown strong
Seven years has left behind a trail of dead and wrong
up and down, back and forth
Flipped around it takes its course
A sickened sinful mind's health needs only powerful
divine force
Someday ill be washed clean of such thick remorse
And have that someone special to experience a divine
intercourse
To change or not to be changing is decision to grasp your
someone amazing
Let the sickness grow, and you let that person go
then you'll never know, your potential beauty you'd
have to show

Help me
change me
heal me
save me
Open my eyes, help me see
bring me back to life
Create in me to be who you want me to be
please...

Darkhouse

A roaring in my ear reminds me of my fear
of being lost without a course
the wind is my force that drives my vessel
my mind is losing its mental wrestle
the time for cruising has long drifted past
the wet mast is breaking down
we cannot reach ground too soon
Poseidon is whistling his stormy tune
the moon is raising waves and crashing
- them in giant surges of ocean
hopeless emotion floods my core
leaving my hopeless body soaked and sore
Escaping air from my salty lungs
My ship is sea-stripped bare and stung
- with sideways rain
Drowning in pain I call our your name
one last scream before i lose the ropes
Washed away hopes...im letting go
Im drinking in my fate and rethinking the past
How fast its gone by
Im starting to sink under the burning in my
- eye and wonder how deep before my dark
- ocean drowns out my life
I've found that my tears mix with the sea
and fix my fears, calm direction
A broken connection between my mind and the world
I'm being taken under in a smooth swirl
The water's rising - the soul within me dying
I'll sink into a hole as my ships dead anchor -
A cold, lifeless steel.
Dark water becoming real, im loosing all touch and feel to the sky.
Numbing chill fills my eyes. My sight being
engulfed with blackness
The time has come for all time to be lost.
For so much lost time, time is the cost.
Arms stretched out, im finally going down...down...down
the roar is quiet now.

FAITH baby, Faith

Am I Me? or have I spent My intellectual youth giving My brain the thoughts that "I am Me"? "yeah yeah Im original Im unique of course Im Me" "Yeah yeah I do what I want and I do what i feel cause Me is the free living, independent, and real" Im Me right, or am I just what I want to be? and if Ive slowly metamorphasized what I am from one thing to the other is ME now the present AM? in which I would in fact be me. Even though the worlds me's often change naturally with all that they're surrounded by, there's got to be the core-structure-basis, genesis, beginning, will-always-be-apart-of-Me something thats always been and will always be there (Me). And thats the fuss - is that inside Me showing on the outside, or inside/out or whatever proves what is what I am? Is it apart of me or locked away without a key? And who chooses and what decides what is what I am - People say "wow that was so you just then," Does that mean Me is a reoccurring finger-print-ID-trait. But what if the common product of what is supposedly my personality is not Me at all, And if not what is Me - the real Me - and how do I find it - if I want to find it. If I want to find IT If its real and something else. Maybe what I believe I am is Me or should be considered Me - maybe we can choose the Am.
No no way God put My design on paper and he decided. So but can I change/manipulate what was original? or is what Im "choosing" to be - Me choosing at all - or just surroundings - which in fact come from Him - the case in which Im not choosing - but how can He choose for someone to be atheist - no way they choose that - free will. But how can free will He created really be free if He created it with omni-knowledge - knowing people would choose against Him right when he made 'em - so if He knows then is it even a free will or some other term. How is it solely free will if He basically created them to turn away into darkness?
AH! theres always a breaking point when thoughts run this deep to a point where human comprehension is un-compacitatable to the next level and answers sitting on that level. And when your mind drives straight into this block of confusion and mental-thinking-pain and uncomfortability black space of lack of knowledge - you stop drop and roll be cause the fires to hard to handle.

FAITH

baby, faith

Oh do question, World, but you will be answered the same at that level of abyss every time - "Trust in Me" He says, and when you do and drop the planets from your minds hand of gravity and universe-at-rest and WONDER - you can use your free hand to grab onto that soothing peace of future awaiting thoughts sitting in His palm. "You will answer and I will be patient."


Until then Bro - keep it real and ill be ready. Im sorry infini-fold but you have infini-care. I cannot wait - but I will for your will...and all this, for this

I THANK YOU

Touch the Light in Troubled Lives

Sense the wind through the leaved towers. The day flower has long gone.
Rise to the flutters of different shades of green.
Be raised to the heights and :touch: the lights in troubled lives.

Do not :smell: the material world roses, only disgust

do not :hear: the neighbors laughter, only silent cries
do not :taste: the snack packs and popcorn, only the moldy bread
do not :see: the stellar sky, only the lights of troubled lives...

:Breathe: in the blessing roof top and gorgeous surrounding nature and loved ones or likewise, do not :smile: only :sigh:

:Feel: nourished with thanks - these do not come by often for them.

A stranger walks by the passing car and :sighs:

knows he walks down the alley cat narrow to his broken home. his daughter :tears: apart with tears, appeared from a mind lacking the nature and love from both and to both of.
The car, the house, the roof blessing - soon disappeared.

:Sigh: for a world not perfect but do not be hopeless

this blue sea of fire is touched through those who feel the love.

big_daddy cares and fills the empty beating...be :touch:ed and :feel:

A Vessel's Left Way

I'm in this boat

alone


too far in the wrong direction have i rown

I wish the salty ocean
would fill my empty eyes
because the lack of life around me has left me
powerless to cry

Eagle Cliff Mountain

Darkened morning, rain cease pouring, Eagle's soaring
early chilling air
the tower seems bare and peaceful asking for our ascension into its steep hands
My mind is playing tricks with my eyes in a lack of light from the sky
Your familiar silhouette whom i've outlined before
brings back much thats past been sore

but i am risen and rising

healed and climbing - falling and sliding but never not striving
i was cold and you warmed me - was frozen and broken
but now you've made me revealed to what i can become to be

you height of earth and rock - where the path gets you lost

where swooning shadows are sought - screamed at and fought
for something that makes some sign of sense caught
please answer my thoughts

but only the wind talks now - only the dancing of the trees has any sound

submerging the ring of my heart-beat's pound
the ground is sleeping in
this sideways climb - this impossible incline
you leave me with no other choice than to lean back and give in
give me away to the wind and let me drift away or down cause i can no longer
stay my ground

but a string - some string - an ever so strong string

tugging at my heart and playing my song - pulling me along
ascending me to the top - to the peak
just when i knew to stop and when i thought so week
there she was soaring - this was madam Eagle's glorious morning

My feet finally resting at the highest point - my joints soaking in the clouds

my eyes gawking down over her captivating cliff - vertigo and awe - shift my bones stiff

fear and failure - crime and capture

open up my soul and touch in me, the deepest pain
just one touch to engulf me - soak my being deep in rapture and set me
free

the explosion in the sky is on its way in

shaking the ground and rotten foundation
and then...

Dawn breaks his grin


OPENED UP HEAVENS - SHATTERING CLOUDS OUT LOUD

DARTING RAYS SHOOT THROUGH MY GUTS AND BREAK THEM DOWN
Me AND THE Sun LOCK EYES AND START LAUGHING
ALOUD
ORANGE PINK AND GOLD
my mind is sold and heart unfold
purest beauty resting here on my face - theres no more need for time or place
what else matters
im deaf to our immature scatter and constant purposeless chatter
mine eyes have never stepped out upon a bridge of light that beams right here in front of me
despite my darkness
and deepest buried skeletons breaking my skin and torching my bones
rottening me alone

now i have a sunrise love to call my own

now you are here - i see it - i see you
coming at me from the sun and now i see that
You are The One and You knew
all along

I hear the mountains singing - the trees harmonizing - and the wind swinging

the sky is calling me - you lift me up on the wings of Eagle and we drift above her
cliff
She is soaring and screeching
forever
i open my heart and my arms and embrace true love - flying - living in meaning

You Are

and nothing else matters

Penny Autumn [Proverbs]

Do you fret at the heights held by the sky?
Do you lose your breath at the wind that lifts your sail up so high?
Are you afraid of a wing so that you can fly?

You SHOULD-


...'cause when you go up too far too fast

is when you'll lose your lift and crack your mast
and be cast straight back down in a deafening, falling sound
and scream and crash and fight and weep and cry
and die
flee this flight - cut your kite
leave that life -or- desire to die
and die
and
die




[14:12]